stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day that I returned

It's been a while since I posted here. Almost two months, I think. I had no intentions of going on a little hiatus from posting. It just kind of happened. But I think I needed it.

I needed a lot of things this month and a half or so. Not only did I take a little break from social media and most of the internet, I also haven't gone anywhere. I've been hibernating at home. I can't tell you the last time I've gone somewhere or driven my car. I've discovered the wonderful world of delivery! For a small fee my grocery store delivers. I don't even have to see the delivery person. They set my bags on my porch and then I bring them in after they leave. A time or two I've ordered take out: pizza, Chinese, Doordash.... And, since I pay my bills online, even going to the post office is unnecessary.

It wasn't like I had any big fear about going out. I say this because at one point in my life (years and years ago) my doctor diagnosed me as having anxiety and panic disorder with agoraphobic tendencies. I could actually put a quotation around those words because that is word for word what he said. That was a hard time in my life. My anxiety was sky high and the panic attacks were happening all the time. I would get ready for my day and then go to the door to leave the house and I would just stop. Fear, dread, and this feeling that I was doomed would overwhelm me. Sometimes I couldn't fight that feeling and would instead stay safely tucked away at home. But at no point did it get extreme or was I housebound. I guess that's why he used the phrase "agoraphobic tendencies."

But now, me staying home for the past month and a half wasn't about fear. I mean, I do worry about the virus out there but it doesn't stop me from going somewhere with my face mask and hand sanitizer in hand. No, it was just about me not feeling like me.

I can even see it in the few posts that I wrote on here. I never overtly said anything - even though some of the things I did write about I now think, "Really? You wrote that??". But through my words I can see myself struggling. I struggle with where I'm at, what I'm doing, and even who I am. I don't know.... I know that probably sounds vague and really doesn't offer up any kind of explanation. But it's the only one I've got.

During this "hibernation" time, I've worked a lot, made progress with organizing my house, read a ton of books, and I've reconnected with my therapist. I talk to her online for an hour every week, and I must admit it has helped a lot. I've also been trying to make better choices that aid in my mental and physical health. I meditate every day (not just every now and then like before), I do yoga every day except for my period week, I've been limiting my diet soda intake and even sugar. That means I have a cupboard full of peanut and other varieties of M&Ms that I haven't touched. I've also filled a notebook with morning pages where I just write and write stream of conscious style in the mornings for half and hour. And, I've taken up painting as a way to settle my mind.

I have to say right off that I am not a painter. I can't draw or sketch or even paint anything that looks even remotely like anything else. I'm a scrapbooker. Give me a piece of paper and I can create something kickass. But, that's about it. In my craft room I found a canvas and some paints that I must have bought years ago. I don't know why I bought them or what I had intended to do with them. But, I set it up and just ended up having fun with it. So much so that I ordered more supplies from Amazon.

My paintings can be described as not that good. But I don't care. I like doing it. And I've discovered something: the joy of doing something simply for the pure joy of doing it. It's an amazing feeling when you take away all of the self-doubts and the worry about what other people would say about what your creating. It leaves this amazing feeling of lightness and joy. Right now I think my favorite moments are when I'm sitting on my stool in front of my easel with a paint brush in hand.

But, my time hibernating is soon going to come to an end. I don't want to ever get to the point where I feel like I can't leave my house. I want to heal myself - mind, body, soul - and I needed the downtime. But now I need to let in the outside world even if it's just a tiny bit at a time. My therapist also thinks that I should get out there a little bit. Even if I just get in my car and buy a coffee (since I don't drink coffee I would get tea) and then come back home. Little steps in the right direction.

So, here I am once again. No promises on how often I'll post here. But I do want to continue posting here. I like it here. :)

Until next time....

4:33 p.m. - 2020-08-22

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